Impulse Control

Posted on 26 Jul 2026 @ 9:02pm by Lieutenant Ryan Collingway & Lieutenant Kristin Emerson PhD, Counselor

1,812 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Time After Time
Location: Counsellor's Officer

//Dr. Emerson's Office//

Ten hours of solid sleep and fresh clothes made all the difference to Ryan right now. But he was eager to go back to work, which meant he had to pass one last part of his examination. The psychological evaluation. He wondered if it was different from the regular sessions. He hoped not. He arrived at the appropriate time.

Emerson stepped into the lobby from the hallway to her office. “Hello Ryan. You wanna come on back,” she invited, “I’ve moved to a new office. A little bigger. Moving up in the world.” On the walk down the short hallway, she asked if he’d like something to drink and upon entering her office ordered such from the small replicator. Handing the glass to Ryan, and keeping the second for herself, she invited him to be seated in the arrangement of a small sofa and two chairs.

“Ok, first, I’m so glad you and the rest of the team made it back safely. It sounds like a very complex mission and just knowing you, I am sure your ingenuity was a big factor in sorting all that out.”

"Thank you," Ryan said. "Steve...Lieutenant Remington was also a large part of us returning back.”

“I’m sure, but be sure you do not discount yourself, Ryan. You have a tendency to do that.” She chuffed a little laugh. “Today is a little different from our usual session. I have some standardized questions for you to answer on this PaDD, some are psychological, some are cognitive and some are just your own perceptions of your mental and emotional experiences. After you complete that we can talk a little about some of those experiences in more detail.” Kris handed him the PaDD and kept a compact device on her lap to peruse the incoming mission reports as he answered the battery of questions.

Ryan kept his sigh in check as he started to answer the questions. The cognitive ones were the easiest ones to answer by far. Others were on a score of 0 to 5. He answered them in no particular order.

Since returning from the away mission, have you felt depressed? That was a zero.

Since returning from the away mission, have you felt guilty? That one made him hesitate. He scored that a four.

Were you injured, y/n? That was a yes.

If yes, do you feel resentful y/n? Ryan hesitated again, then pictured Astor's face. He finally decided on no.

Was someone else on the away team injured? Do you feel responsible?

On and on the questions went. Ryan answered them to the best of his ability, then handed back the data PaDD.

“Thank you.” Kris took the PaDD and actually set it on the table and took a sip of her ice water. “So, how do you feel now, the away mission went as a whole? We’re talking feelings here, not facts. How did it feel? Safe, unsafe, complicated feelings of anxiety, competent, anger, unsupported, supported, frightening, hopelessness, lonely, heroic, responsible. Your emotional feelings about the whole experience."

"It feels a bit larger than life," Ryan said truthfully. "We went down there to help those people, and they went back to whatever reality they came from. In that sense, the mission was completed. But those people were essentially living in a beaker, going through an experiment thanks to the actions of a child. That same species could be watching over them still, and they can do virtually anything. Are those people really safe? I don't know."

"In terms of being someone else...forgetting who I was for a while...I'm still trying to reconcile that," he admitted.

“I can imagine that was very disorienting. Are you still having flashes of that other Ryan?” asked Kris. “And are they random and unbidden, or are you able to consciously recall that experience?"

Ryan sighed a little. How could he explain this? He lifted his coffee. "Let me put it this way. I love coffee. Always have. But when I entered this room, I was tempted to ask for a pop instead. For the record, I hate pop. Too sugary. But I know a part of me lived on that stuff when I was in this fake college. Along with every energy drink I could get my hands on
So, there are still elements of that past that still live with me."

"Both versions...are me. We wanted the same things, had the same drives, the same impulses. What Astor..the child did, restored who I fundamentally was, in the future. I can do a cold reset of the warp core. Fix any system on this ship. But I can't fully dismiss my other experience either. It's not a random memory either. It's just extra bits of knowledge and experiences in a memory that's more or less very cloudy," he said.

He shrugged. "Maybe it's what a trill goes through. I'm not sure."

“Very good analogy. All of what you’ve said is very well-stated. I wonder if these memories, the other Ryan so to speak, are welcome. Or do you feel like you are grappling with them, trying to get rid of them?”

Ryan looked at her, then looked down. "I'm not fighting off those memories," he admitted. "Those are a part of me now. They're not the ones I'm worried about."

He stood, and looked out the window. "In our last session, I mentioned there were memories that I was trying to remember. You had recommended that I don't poke those memories if they surfaced. But it happened, anyway."

"So I have my current memories, a few 1984 memories, and my suppressed memories. My mind went through a bit of a blender when this happened. It's a lot," he said. "I saw...flashes of those suppressed memories. But given everything that has happened, maybe it's best if I leave those suppressed memories alone. Give my mind a chance to catch up with everything," he said.

Emerson nodded and took a sip of her tea before commenting. “In most cases, suppressed memories are under the control of your mind. It will not permit those memories to come to consciousness if you are not ready to face them. Like you said, this experience has sort of sifted those and other new memories together. My personal opinion is that you are psychologically much stronger than you think you are. While I might not recommend using hypnotic suggestion or drug induced memory recall, or anything similar, I doubt you have to fear those suppressed memories if they are moving toward the surface. They are likely to be shocking but unlikely to utterly tear your world apart. You have already lived through those experiences and your mind took care of you when you were vulnerable for any number of reasons. You’ve been through the real thing and survived. Do you see what I’m saying?”

"I do," Ryan said, but he wasn't quite convinced of that. However he was more than willing to leave the subject alone for now.

"On the questionnaire, you marked the question about feelings of guilt as a four out of five. Would you like to elaborate on that?"

He sat back down. "I...rushed ahead of everyone. And got caught in the wave first as a result. It was my first away mission as a CEO. I guess I wanted to prove myself. That...didn't go so well.”

“Was proving yourself really your intention? Did you rush ahead intentionally to get caught in the wave. Or was there some other reason for moving forward?” Kris asked.

"Well-no, I definitely didn't know a wave from 1984 was going to snatch me up at the time, so it wasn't intentional. A saw a frozen women, and my curiosity completely took over, regardless of the danger," Ryan explained. "But if I had just waited for the others, we would have all been protected. It was impulsive. As were some of my ideas in the holding frame, though I didn't know anything about Starfleet at the time."

“Could you say then you were impulsively curious, but your impulsive behavior was unlikely to have been the catalyst for the temporal wav? We can’t be for sure, but given what we know about the mission as a whole, unlikely,” Kris ventured.

"I suppose," Ryan admitted. "The whole area was a temporal minefield. It's a wonder things didn't get any worse. I guess they could have been, if Astor's intentions were deliberately harmful. But ultimately he was just some kid trying to fix a mistake.”

“Aren’t we all just kids trying to fix our mistakes?” laughed Kris. “So what do you think might help you overcome the instinctive impulsivity. It does seem to be a recurring theme that has caused you some trouble. Something that would curb the impulse but not squelch the curiosity behind it."

Ryan shrugged a little. "I don't know. Commander Harlan was great at installing discipline. One of the first things he did was put me on punishment detail. Deserved, of course. He left the role far too soon. As did all the other CEOs. All that's left is the Lieutenant junior grade who is currently an acting Lieutenant trying to fill in the role. But there's no one to throw the book at me when I need it. Well, of course the Commander and the Captain, but they have the whole ship to worry about.”

Kris nodded and took a sip of tea. “So a more seasoned officer has helped in the past. Is there another seasoned officer you look up but still feel you could be honest and candid with, who you could go to from time to time to get some guidance?"

Ryan frowned slightly in thought as he considered that possibility for the first time. "Maybe," he said. "I would need time to think about it."

“Sounds like a good plan,” Kristine agreed. “If you think of someone, you might go talk to them, informally. See if there is a vibe between you that might work. Looks like our time is up and I will present my report to Commander Batenburg before I leave the office today. I think based on your evaluation and our discussion, you can return to duty, with the clearance from Medical. If you are bothered by intrusive memories, let me know. We can talk a little more. Be sure you are getting enough sleep, Ryan. I cannot emphasize enough how important that is to a full and smooth recovery from something like this. Your brain has experienced a trauma. It heals literally as you sleep. Any last questions?”

"No doctor," Ryan said, greatful for the recommendation to be cleared. "Thank you."

Acting Lieutenant Ryan Collingway
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Arawyn

And

Doctor Kris Emerson
Counselor
USS Arawyn

 

RSS Feed