Primary Disturbance

Posted on 05 May 2026 @ 4:22pm by Lieutenant Ryan Collingway & Commander Suzanna Batenburg

1,014 words; about a 5 minute read

///Outside Commander Batenburg's Quarters////

Later that night, Ryan had been invited to speak with the Commander, who he hadn't seen for a while. It was still a bit concerning to be invited for a meeting, but this wasn't in her office or any other formal setting, so he was likely not in any trouble.

The doors opened. "Hello, Commander," he said politely. "I hope I am not interrupting your shore leave."

“Lieutenant,” Suzanna inclined her head in greeting and motioned him inside. She noted the tension in his posture and allowed a trace of reassurance into her tone. “There is no cause for concern. I wanted to see how you are doing. Your handling of Engineering, and your actions following the array’s attack, were highly commendable.”

"Thank you," Ryan said as she invited him in. "I appreciate that."

“How does the meditation I trained you in progressing?” Suzanna asked, her tone measured but attentive. “Has it proven beneficial to you?”

He looked down. "Meditation has been elusive to me of late," he admitted. "After the attack, my sole focus was getting engineering repaired. Every other concern was secondary."

"Has it been difficult for you?" He couldn't help but ask, knowing their mutual history.

Suzanna indicated the seating area. “Please, take a seat, Lieutenant.” She moved to the couch and sat beside Mittens, her hand resting lightly on his fur. The motion gave her a moment to consider her response. “My experience was comparable. I directed my attention to repairs and coordinated resupply efforts. Only upon arrival at the Starbase did sufficient time present itself for me to resume my meditation.”

Ryan nodded, though his eyes watered slightly as he glanced at Mittens. Fortunately he was far enough away the allergies weren't too bad. "Was it easy to go back to?" He asked. "I've been trying once or twice, without much luck. I know you said the discipline would improve with practice, but I'm still struggling," he admitted.

"Are you allergic to felines?" Suzanna asked, she had been observing him and noticed his eyes having started watering since he sat on the couch.

"Yes, a bit," Ryan admitted, and leaned back. "At this point, I might just ask sickbay for something long-term for my allergies. There seem to be quite a few cats on board," he added with a chuckle.

“Come, Mittens,” Suzanna said softly as she lifted the feline and carried him to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. She returned to her seat and regarded the Lieutenant with a composed expression. “As to your question,” she continued, her tone measured with a trace of reassurance, “the practice does improve with repetition. A period of interruption will set you back slightly. Not entirely, but to a limited degree. Once you resume, consistency will reestablish itself. It is the same for me.”

"I'll give it a shot," Ryan said, and frowned slightly. "Lately, it feels like there is something gnawing on my mind, distracting me. But, there was plenty to be distracted by with the attack." He glanced at the time. It was a bit late, but not terribly late. "Did you want to try a session together, since I'm here? If not, I can practice on my own time."

“We can proceed,” Suzanna said, her tone calm but encouraging. “A fixed time for the remainder of the week would be advisable. It will assist in reestablishing the discipline.” She rose and moved to the corner near the dining table, where her meditation area was arranged. She lowered herself onto one of the cushions with deliberate composure.

Ryan joined her on another cushion, remembering the position he had done before. Like the times he had attempted before, his head was buzzing, angrily sending thoughts every time he tried to quiet his mind. It wasn't of the battle, though. It was thinking of his father. Dr. Emerson had forced that to the surface this morning during therapy, like ripping off a bandaid that he was trying to keep covered. "Sorry," he said apologetically. "Like I said, it's been difficult to go back to."

“Understandable,” Suzanna said, her tone steady. “When you sit, align your spine and relax your shoulders.” She demonstrated the posture. “Keep your hands still. Soften the muscles of the forehead. Allow your eyes to close without tension.”

She observed as Ryan followed the instruction. “Take a slow breath. Thoughts do not indicate failure. We will use the breath as an anchor. It will assist when concentration becomes difficult.” She allowed a brief pause as he settled again. “Inhale for four seconds. Hold for two. Exhale for six. Hold for one. Repeat.” She maintained the rhythm with a quiet, even cadence. “Inhale for four. Hold for two. Exhale for six.” Her voice remained steady, providing structure. “Attend to the words and follow them.”

Ryan nodded. He knew these steps before, but it helped to review them, her words were calm. Reassuring. Like before, he allowed his thoughts to drift, giving them a label before moving them on.

Arawyn...home
Ship damage...inevitable
Emerson...helping
Nick....friend. Quirky.
Alura...girlfriend?
Father....underneath.

"Underneath?" Ryan muttered to himself, opening his eyes. "Erm, sorry," he said again. "I had a stray thought. It made no sense to me."

“You are progressing,” Suzanna said, her tone calm with a trace of reassurance. “Such responses are expected. This thought appears to be the primary disturbance. The others you have identified with ease.” She inclined her head slightly. “Return your attention to the breath. Close your eyes.” Her voice settled into a measured cadence. “Inhale for four seconds. Hold for two. Exhale for six. Hold for one. Continue.” A brief pause followed. “The appropriate designation will present itself. If not today, then tomorrow.”

Ryan returned to his breathing. He felt calmer. "Okay. Thank you, Commander. It is good to go back to this."

"It is," Suzanna replied, she, too, felt calmer again having restarted the daily practice.

Cmdr Suzanna Batenburg
XO USS Arawyn
Everything fits, otherwise we'll make it fit!

Lieutenant (JG) Ryan Collingway
Engineering Officer
USS Arawyn

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